


The Stars

by Shay_Nioum



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Logan Sanders Angst, Logan angst, Logan has an emotional attack, Panic Attacks, Sad Ending, Unhappy Ending, virgil has a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 07:11:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16445207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shay_Nioum/pseuds/Shay_Nioum
Summary: Logan loves the stars, he loves space and everything that comes with it. He loves it so much that he finds complete peace and comfort within it, it soothes him and makes him forget everything that happens to be wrong with him. It's just too bad that the very thing he finds comfort in, also terrifies Virgil.





	The Stars

Logan loved the stars, in all honesty, he wasn’t quite sure what he loved so much about them. All he knew was that ever since he’d been able to coherently form thoughts and sift through Thomas’, he had just loved the stars. He loved looking through Thomas’ eyes, gazing up at them in all of their splendor, how they shone through the darkness of the unforgiving space above them all. Yet, even that was beautiful as well, space was a beautiful wondrous thing to behold, the images of it was something that Logan kept on his laptop, serving as his background when he was tirelessly working on the ideas that Roman pumped out on a daily basis as well as Thomas’ consistently changing schedule.

However, as it happened to be, his laptop wasn’t the only thing that had a space background either, it was a little or perhaps a big thing that he’d been able to do ever since he’d learned to morph the inhabitants of his room. He’d started slowly at first much to his own dawning amazement, as a patch of his ceiling at first little more than the size of a small window, before he then he let it grow and grow. Logan allowed his little patch of space, stars, and stardust grow until it covered every inch of his ceiling.

He slept under those stars, under the whizzing meteors that lulled him to pleasant dreams of zero gravity and floating among the chunks of rock that floated in deep space.

As time went on, his patch of space grew and grew, and Logan loved every little bit of it. Soon enough his walls vanished, replaced with the twinkling stars that shone with faint hues of reds, blues, and yellows. He felt at peace here, rest and sleeping among the stars, his arguments with the others no longer mattered the moment he rested his head onto his pillow looking into the deep nothingness of space. His worries, his fears, his insecurities no longer had any effect over him any longer. He was free here, free to just float along and do nothing with himself.

This was his place, his perfect patch of stars.

So, of course, something had to come along and ruin it. It and Logan’s little space of peace and quiet.

The whizzing meteors and twinkling stars had consumed all of Logan’s room, not that he was that upset about it. This was perfect for him, everything that he needed was there, his bed was stuck to where his floor would have been along with his desk and shelves. It held everything that he needed, while allowing him to exist in a state of bliss from the very moment that his door was shut, and prying worried eyes were no longer in sight.

Then came the rough knock that echoed around the emptiness of his room, it came and went mere seconds before his door swung open haphazardly.

Virgil’s fingers raked through his messy floppy hair, pushing it out of his eyes as he exhaustedly yawned, yet another night spent up until three in the morning. “Hey, Lo, Patt says that it’s time for b-” Virgil felt his words come to a sudden and jolting halt the moment that his tired eyes locked onto the emptiness surrounding him. Surrounding him and Logan, the words welled on his lips, and yet his lungs would not allow him to expel the breath that would finish his sentence for him. All he could see was the darkness, the emptiness, the loneliness of space before him. This was what space was actually like, they were all so small, so insignificant, so...so little. Like little dancing flames that could be snuffed out with the smallest inconvenience.

_We really are all so small..so small...in this big, bottomless, empty void. There really was nothing wasn’t there?_

Within seconds Virgil’s thoughts were spiraling like a little toy boat caught out in the massive waves of the ocean. His chest burned and ached, and yet all he could do was stare forward, as the numb wave of panic and hopelessness washed over him. It was only when he caught the slightest movement from the corner of his eyes, did he manage to drag his gaze away from the emptiness that had somehow consumed Logan’s room.

“Virgil,” The warmth of Logan’s reassuring and caring tone did very little for him now, as he stared back at Logan like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. “Breathe, Virgil. Remember to breath.”

Out of everything that Logan could have chosen to happen, this was most certainly not one of them. From the very moment he had seen, Virgil’s entire body stiffen up he had known something was wrong, he just didn’t know how wrong until he’d seen the anxious side stop breathing entirely. Inching forward, he held his hands up in the universal sign for peace, his heart ached at the sight of the downright terrified look hidden within the depths of Virgil’s eyes as the other remained standing there as if locked in place by some unseen force.

The very second he reached his hand out to touch Virgil’s shoulder was the exact instant the spell was seemingly broken.

As Virgil careened backward, scrambling away in a mad dash similar to that of a madman attempting to flee a wild bear. The terror that eaten up his eyes now devouring every hint of the emotions on the anxious side’s face, Logan’s fallen books and paper were kicked up in the ruckus. As like a mouse fleeing from the jaws of a cat, Virgil turned and ran as fast as his legs could carry him. The thumping of his footsteps told Logan exactly where he was going too, as Virgil’s foot caught on the final step sending him stumbling around the corner and right into the kitchen. Where Patton was removing his oven mitts with a sunny happy smile, a smile that soon faded at the sight of the pure unadulterated panic resting upon Virgil’s face.

There was no hesitation on Patton’s part, none at all as he curled his arms around Virgil hugging the other close, while whispering sweet reassuring promises as he attempted to coax just what had happened from Virgil himself. Even as he was doing so, Patton felt his heart simultaneously crack open and harden all at once, as he felt Virgil’s fingers digging into his shirt putting himself more firmly within the moral side’s arms. As if Patton would even think about letting Virgil go at this point, however, the certainly didn’t stop his eyes from darting over to the stairs as the anxious side’s mumbled half coherent words finally reached him.

Logan peeked worriedly over the banister, and it all became clear to him as soon as the logical side hurriedly slunk back to his own room. The firm thud of his door firmly shutting behind him cutting through the sound of the soft sniffles coming from Virgil.

While Patton’s heart hardened, Logan’s broke all over again.

 _Oh, of course, it would be me._  Logan morosely thought to himself, his expression twisting into something akin to regret and crushing shame.  _Of course, it was going to be me who triggered a panic attack from Virgil. Of course, it would be me who hurt him. I can never do anything right, I hurt him..I hurt him...I-_

The gentlest of knocking wrenched Logan right out of his spiraling thoughts, there was no doubting just who was knocking on his door. Patton always knocked like that when he needed to talk to him about something, be it the probability of taking a bath in cookie dough, or just when either of them felt sad about something. Anytime that Patton needed to talk, his knocking always sounded the same to Logan, not that he minded it back then. It was just right now, he felt the sharp dagger of fear lodging itself within his abdomen.

“Come in, Patton,” Logan’s voice came out as a dry croak, the nervousness in his voice as clear as day from the very second that Patton turned the knob idly shuffling in. Just from his stance alone, Logan could tell that this was not a happy visit. Patton’s hair was a mess from where he had run his fingers through it again and again, and the critical eye he cast as he swept his gaze around Logan’s star-filled room honestly didn’t bode well. “How’s Virgil?” His voice came out smoother this time, less strained with fear and hesitation as he folded his arms behind his back.

He was logic, there was nothing to fear.

“Listen Logan..” Patton completely ignored the question as he paused for a moment as he ran his fingers through his hair, he honestly didn’t want to have this conversation with the logical side. But the memory of Virgil shaking and crying in his arms was one that not only could he bear, but it was one that he couldn’t ever ignore. Virgil mattered to him, and right now...as much as it struck him with guilt, Virgil mattered more than Logan. “I know that you like your space, and your stars but…”

 _No..no..not this. Please, not my place of peace..._ The mounting sense of dread, dawning in Logan’s heart like an expanding red giant was not misplaced as Patton refused to meet his gaze.

“But this,” The moral side waved his hands about, gesturing to the endless void of the space and the stars that had taken up Logan’s room for years. It was beautiful to look at sure, but even Patton knew that it was something that couldn’t be allowed. “It all has to go. It made Virgil have a panic attack, so Logan...take as long as you need to. But...eventually, you have to get rid of it, for Virgil’s sake.”

A calm blankness answered his words, as not a single emotion drifted across Logan’s face. At least none that he could accurately see, he’d always been trash at deciphering Logan’s exact feelings and that moment was no different as Logan stood there before him. His expression and most of all his eyes a total mystery to Patton, it was now that he wished he could read minds or in the very least read Logan’s. That way he could at least tell if Logan was even feeling anything at all. However, there was just...nothing.

Nothing was given, and nothing gained from Logan’s blank unseeing stare.

His fingers raked through his messy hair once again. “I’ll leave you to it then…” The moral side muttered, before turning on his heel vacating Logan’s room just as quickly as he had come into it. The door shut with a soft click behind him, and just like that he was gone.

The moment that his door shut, Logan felt his legs give out from under him. His breathing hitched as soon as the warm burning sensation of tears welled within his eyes. Of course, of course, it would be something that he was passionate about that made Virgil upset. Did he even get an option? Was he not allowed to choose? Was he not allowed his own space? A place where he could be happy and forget everything that was wrong with him.

“Don’t I matter too?” His voice was a broken whisper, had he still been in the room Patton still wouldn’t have heard it given just how utterly soft it was coming from Logan. Seizing his pillow he buried his face into the feathery softness, muffling each and every outburst of accursed emotions. His body heaved and shuddered with each raw sob that bled from his lips like blood from a battle wound, he screamed and cried into that pillow until every available surface was wet with his broken-hearted tears. The tears not a single soul would ever see, and tears that they didn’t want to see.

 _I’m broken to them._  Logan bitterly thought to himself.  _I’m just someone that can’t feel and doesn’t deserve a single thing to them. That’s all I am._

The thought was gone as quickly as it came though, soon to be replaced with the overbearing guilt and shame that ate away at his insides until there was absolutely nothing left of him. Dragging his face up from his damp pillow, he took a good long look around, he imprinted it into his mind. He looked for a good five minutes before he shut his eyes, resting his chin back into the wetness of his tearstained pillow.

When he opened them, the beauty of the stars, the vast endlessness of space, and the meteors that skipped through it like pebbles across a pond was gone. Blank, dulled, and grey walls that he hadn’t seen in years were in their place.

Shambling up to his feet, like a man who’d just had his fair share of booze, he clutched his pillow as he sank into the comfort of his bed and his space-themed covers. But even so, it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t the same as being completely and utterly surrounded by it.

He no longer had the comfort of the stars, to hold and cushion him. He had never felt more alone.


End file.
